The Great Civilisations of Ethiopia

Circa 1500BC: It all began in Ethiopia with a goat. So you know they were on to something good. The cryptic civilisation of Yeha worshipped the Walia Ibex – a wild goat of Biblical awesomeness. Little else is known about them. But then again, what else is necessary?

Circa 800BC: Early Jewish civilisations settled along the shores of Lake Tana. They may have been direct decendents of the Queen of Sheba and King Solomon. Or they may have got wind of the Old Testament, pooped themselves, then decided that this was a God you wanted playing for the home team.

1 – 700AD: The Axumites rose in the north and their kingdom spread to include much of north-east Africa, the Red Sea and Yemen. They were skilled linguists who developed Ethiopias first language, Ge’ez. More skilled, however, were their masons. Not content with a good old-fashioned tombstone, these artisans decided the best way to mark a grave was with a thirty-three metre, thousand ton obelisk. Their physics was less astute and the biggest of them collapsed. Together with their empire.

1000-1200AD: The Zagwe dynasty brought some stability after Ethiopias Dark Ages. Not much is known about them as they weren’t keen on record keeping. What they were keen on were churches and rocks. And they somehow managed to combine these two unlikely and diverse interests. Much to the chagrin of their slaves.

1635-1855AD: The kings of Gonder didn’t get the memo. They thought they were somewhere in northern Europe so crafted castles and royal enclosures like something out of Westchester to protect them from marauding hordes of attackers. Likewise they modelled their lifestyles on their European monarchical brethren – complete with betrayals, poisonings, political intrigue and very tight corsets.

1855-1913AD: the rulers of the line supposedly mined from King Solomons fiery loins joined the disparate tribes of Ethiopia into one united kingdom that successfully sent the Italian military and all their tagliatelli packing.

1913-1974AD: Whatever Emperor Haile Selassie did or did not do is unimportant. What matters is that he is responsible for the world’s most self-defeating religion in Rastafarianism. Even he found dreadlocks unhygienic and tried his best to distance himself from the dope-smoking masses that called him ‘Messiah’. He failed. So now we have a people whose core belief encourages them to not wear shoes, never to wash and to scent themselves with essence of cabbage.

Circa 2012: The era of the locust. Millennia of history undone by the simple act of copulation. Ethiopias population growth is one of the highest on the planet – it has ballooned by twenty-five million in the last ten years alone. Still their church forbids contraception. The country’s resources can’t continue to support this burgeoning swarm. There are just too many children with no supervision, too many youths with nothing to do and not enough foreigners for all of them pester. And in case you were in doubt about the seriousness of it all, this is the generation that has almost eradicated the Walia Ibex. So, it seems, it may also end exactly where it all began. With a goat.