Friday, 23 March 2012

Coup d'Archie



 
Black smoke billowed up in the distance. The sound of gunfire ringing out intermittently. Pitch black all around except for an orange glow on the horizon. The border guards, jittery and trigger-happy at their posts survey the landscape through their Kalashinikov sites. Two South African figures leopard-crawling through no-mans land escape their vision. Hearts pounding in their ears, the two protagonists edge slowly through the darkness, aware that every movement may be their last. After what seems like an eternity they see it:  the Burkinabe flag. They have made it. They have crossed the border.

This is not at all what happened to us.

We were sleeping on the roof of our room rather than in it. Which is normal in Mali. We were woken by a beat-boxing imam at 04h30. Which is normal in Mali. We were greeted in the morning with “the president has been kidnapped”. This is uncommon in Mali. Even more uncommon was the sight of men gathered round radios rather than making tea. The only channel available was a French station – the military had ceased all the local ones. Needless to say the combination of ghetto-blasters still packing cassette-decks and a signal transmitted from nearly 6000kms away does not make for coherence. No one knew what was going on but no one seemed particularly edgey either. “Yes, but not such a big problem. These things happen” he continued. Malians are not prone to hyperbole.

All through Mali we had heard murmurings of discontent with the current government. The people were angry that president Toure, rather than fighting the Tuaregs in the north, was continually giving them money. An unusual military strategy, sure. And no one seemed to believe that any future president would do any better. Infact, given that the election was scheduled for next month we hadn’t seen a single election poster in over two weeks. So I suppose it was in the midst of all this that some cheeky generals saw a half-gap and decided that the general populace of Mali were just too chilled out to mount any kind of real defence. They were right. They mostly just drank tea.

These were the thoughts largely going through my head as we trundled along in a bush-taxi for the border. I was covered in a diffuse smattering of cow shit from when our previous mode of transport decided to have explosive diarrhoea all over me and, in a panic, our cart driver had attempted to physically plug the torrent with the animals tail. Anyone who has ever watered a garden with a hose pipe knows how that story ended. So it was on the back of this, with the closing of borders looming and the prospect of our entire trip ending in the inauspiciously named town of ‘Bankass’ that we found ourselves in one of the most frustrating taxis in Mali. A tyre puncture, three breakdowns and – the coup de grace – running out of petrol 8kms from our destination stretched a one hour trip into a five hour ordeal. And each time we broke down, an old toothless man would slowly trundle past us on his donkey cart and eventually disappear into the distance. The problem would be fixed, we would take off, smugly pass the bastard only to breakdown and, once more, suffer the ignominy of watching him slowly mosey on past us once again.

Against all the odds – and with the infuriating knowledge that the donkey man had arrived in town before us – we got the last two seats of the last bus through the border. We thought this was very lucky until we found we were sharing it with three American Peace Corp volunteers. Apart from telling us that they ‘Import American culture’ to Burkina Faso, they spent the entire journey yelling into their phones to the phantasmagoric presence of their supervisor on the other end, who – in turn – kept phoning ahead to all the ‘authorities’ to tell them that three Americans were on the road, teeming with US dollars and government-backing, and were coming their way. Considering we were still in Malis terrorist ‘red-zone’ this seemed to me to be a particularly stupid thing to do. Probably on par with plying northern insurgents with money instead of bombs.

The borders had been officially closed when we eventually got there but it seems this group hadn’t got the memo so they gamely let us through. It was only once we arrived in Ouagadougou that the extent of the coup became apparent. So, while we were extremely lucky to get out in the nick of time, our story is less like a John le Carre novella and, alas, more like an Archie comic.


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The coup aside we had a pretty awesome time in Mali. Ill stick up some posts on it as soon as Ive got some time. But in the meantime let me leave you with this…




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